Letting Go

Over the past year or so I’ve been having recurring dreams. These dreams make me feel guilty, they bring me down everyday. They all have the same concept, and same outcome. I suppose it’s just a part of letting go. 

It’s not easy when you lose someone that means so much to you. At first I never thought I was going to recover from the loss of a friend. It hurt inside, every day. All I could focus on a daily basis was the fact that I screwed up. I made these mistakes and they cost me friends.

Overtime I have learned to live with the loss, it has only gotten somewhat easier, except for when I go to sleep. When I fall asleep, I have this nightmare where I am trying to seek out this person in order to make amends to our friendship. Somehow I’ll find them somewhere, like the supermarket, the park, or a restaurant. I go up and try to talk to them, but they can’t hear me, they can’t see me, I’m completely invisible. The dream occurs in a different setting each time, but it’s always the same outcome. Because of this I wake up drained…depressed. I cared about this person so much, I wanted to do anything I could to help them. It’s all I could think about for the rest of the day.

Realistically I would not try to seek them out, ever, so why am I having these dreams? No matter what I do I can’t seem to get rid of them. I feel as if I’m recovering from the grief yet I continue to have these dreams where I try to fight for this friendship, even though that person wants nothing to do with me.

What I have learned so far through this is that the grieving process is a long, heavy cycle of guilt, regret, anger, and depression.

I started out with guilt. Why did I do that? What was I thinking? I’m a horrible person. 

Which led to regret. If only I could have done things differently. If I wouldn’t have done this then it wouldn’t have happened.

Then came the depression. The depression has been present for a long time, it hasn’t gone away.

Anger comes and goes. Why would they do that to me? How could they just cut me off like that? After everything we’ve been through. 

I realize now looking back at this relationship that I was very codependent. I was insecure, afraid that I would lose this person. Long and behold, I did end up losing them whilst trying so hard to keep them.

I will recover from this. If you’re grieving the loss of someone in your life, all I can say is that it will take time, a long time. You may feel like you’ll never get over it. But with time, it’ll get easier to live without them, day by day. I know that sounds like a cheap shot. Time, really? That’s the only advice you have for grieving?  Hold on I wasn’t finished. Distracting yourself is key. Try not to sit in your room for hours on end sulking in your guilt, it doesn’t help, trust me. I’ve found that for me personally, exercise really cheers me up. Any hobbies you can think of would be a healthy alternative to sleeping all day (I’m guilty of this a lot) or sitting in your room crying (but hey if you need to be alone and cry that’s perfectly ok).

Be strong, you’ll make it through this, just as I will. Don’t lose hope in living a good life, it will come.

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