WARNING: I may have cussed throughout this so just a heads up.
Also, if you aren’t aware of my car crash incident here is a link.
In recent events due to my car crash, I was required to go to a psychiatric hospital. Was it helpful? I suppose to an extent, but things went on in there that just weren’t right. It was unjust. I figured I would post some of the journals I wrote while I was in the hospital. I was in the hospital for a total of 2 weeks and I did not write every day but here’s what I did write. Any names I’ve written have been changed for privacy reasons.
June 24, 2017
I just want to go home. It feels like I’m never going to get home. I saw my body in the shower for the first time after the crash. I couldn’t help but cry. This sucks. I don’t need to be here. I’m past my emotional turmoil. I want to see my friends. I want to be with my mom. Dammit I want to smoke some weed. The only thing worth it today was that I met Zachary, he seems pretty cool.
NOTE: I was so not ready to go home. I was lying to myself, but I didn’t even know it at the time.
June 25, 2017
I have a court date on the 30th of this month. I could lose my license. I an’t let that happen. I don’t know how I’d manage without one. Reckless driving…I regret it but, it was a dead-end street, no one was around or hurt, and I was not intoxicated. I’m hoping the most I’ll get is some points on my license. I hate that I do this to myself. I learned that I’m a very co-dependent person. I do way more than I should in a relationship. It’s useful information and an eye opener. I just want to go home, bottom line.
NOTE: Court date got moved, three times. First it was the 30th of June, then the 27th of July, and now it’s the 7th of August. I want to get this over with but I am optimistic. At this point I had already learned a lot about myself, but I still was not ready to go home.
June 26, 2017
All my friends have gone home. It’s just Shaun and I left. I feel like I will never get out of here. I keep thinking about Jess. I hate this. I just want to get over my former relationships with people. They were a real friend for the longest time and I just don’t understand why they don’t want anything to do with me.
NOTE: Yea I didn’t understand it at the time but I do now. My co-dependency and lack of knowing barriers were the biggest reason I pushed people away. Do I blame her for anything? No, of course not, she had to do what was best for her and I respect that.
June 27, 2017
I’ve actually been legitimately happy for most of the day. The groups have been good. I talked to my roommate today. He was very glad to hear from me. His worry worries me, but hopefully I can and will prove I am OK outside of here. I’ll have to prove I can keep my license in some way. I can’t lose my license. License = lose home = lose job or vice versa. At least I’ve accepted that I’ll be here until Friday.
NOTE: I’m not worried about losing my license anymore. If I were to actually lose my license I’ll figure out a way. I’m not going to lose my home or my job. Where there’s a will there’s a way. I’ll figure it out.
June 28, 2017
I am so sick of this place. It feels more and more like I’ll be here forever yet each day that passes is a day closer to me getting out of here. The only thing I find enjoyment is in art therapy and going outdoors, even though I’m surrounded by walls. When I get out of here I’m going to appreciate the outdoors so much more. I am so sick of thinking about Jess. I wish I could get this out of my mind. I’m struggling with this so much it hurts.
NOTE: I do appreciate the outdoors a lot more now. Every moment I can I go outside to do something.
June 29, 2017
Shaun is gone and I am bored. At least I’m projected to get out of here tomorrow. I have no friends to talk to in here. I guess I’ve been talking in my sleep a lot.
“Why don’t you just use your parachute ya idiot!”
My dreams have been so weird lately. So long and descriptive. They make some sense to an extent. I’m sick of being here. My dad thinking I may be faking my well-being really pisses me off. But I talked and used my communication skills that I’ve learned to make sure he knew he was hurting my feelings. I have to leave this place tomorrow.
NOTE: I talked in my sleep A LOT. My roommate would always tell me I was saying some funny stuff while I was sleeping.
June 30, 2017
I’m being told I’m going to be kept here even longer, until Monday or possibly longer than that. When asked why he wouldn’t give me a legitimate reason why he was keeping me here. This place is bullshit. I fucking hate this place. I WANT OUT. Crying isn’t a legitimate reaction? Fuck. You. I feel like I’m never going to get out of here. He is a liar. I don’t trust him to get me a different doctor at all. I have barely any friends left at all in here. This feels like my life now. I’m sick of being lied to.
NOTE: My doctor was the biggest liar on the planet. He’d prescribe me medications and not tell me what they’re for. He’d take me off my important medications without telling me. He told me that staying involuntary would be better than becoming a voluntary patient which is a complete lie. He told me I’d get out Friday and then changed it around by saying he never said I was getting out Friday, among a bunch of other lies. He kept saying he’d switch me to another doctor and that took 2 days longer than he said it would just because he wouldn’t make a simple phone call.
July 2, 2017
I might get out of here tomorrow, no guarantees of anything though. I finally got switched to a different doctor. No more lies. I was so sick of his dishonesty. People acted as if I was crazy. It feels like all the staff here are on his side and that nobody is on mine. I want to say a proper goodbye to my past friends but it’s too late now.
NOTE: I was a bit of a liar, there was one or two staff members that were real with me. They were on my side and wondered why I was even still there. I didn’t need to be there anymore at that point and I’m confident in saying that.
July 3, 2017
It’s the day before the 4th and I am totally stir crazy. I have to get out of here. I can’t stand another day in here. I just hope Dr. Singly sees and realizes I’m ready to go. I want to see my family. I miss my friends, I miss everyone so much, Did I mention how ready to go home I am? Please good news please. I want Taco Bell so bad. Yea I said bad instead of badly. Fuck I’m so desperate to leave.
NOTE: I was there for so long (13 days in). Being cooped up was horrible.
That’s all that I wrote in my journal. I ended up getting out the next day. July 4, 2017.
Independence day. What’s the first thing I did? I went and got some Taco Bell of course. I ate those burritos like I was never going to eat again. I went and saw Wonder Woman with my mother, damn that movie was bomb. I went home and spent a lot of time outside. I’m really appreciating life now. It’s a great feeling.
When I first started out at the hospital I thought I didn’t need to be there. I was wrong of course. Even though I went through some terribly manipulative stuff there, it was helpful. I met some great people and learned a lot about myself.
I look back on this experience and the first thing I think is that I never want to go through that again. I’m going to make changes in my life though to prevent this. I’m not going to go through this again.