It’s true, I haven’t written and posted anything in a while. What happened? How do I put this, it was a build up of events, a slow buildup. I just let it happen, I wouldn’t open myself up to anyone, and that’s what I needed to do the most, I needed to reach out. It wasn’t until I drove my car into a tree on purpose and survived that I realized I needed to change this.
I thought too hard, I thought so hard about why people I’d make friends with would just randomly stop talking to me forever. I’d try to talk to them and long behold I was ignored and my messages were never returned. Why do people always drop me for no reason? Everyone must hate me. This kept happening over a span of several months and it made me feel so alone. It ate away at me, it became an obsession of mine to find out why people were doing this to me.
It was June 13, yes, the 13th, an unlucky day. They always said the 13th was unlucky and I never believed it until that particular date. It was my best friend who decided to cut me off that day. It shattered me. I didn’t know why at the time, and then my mind just… broke there and in a split second I decided I needed to end it all. No one cares about me. So nobody will care if I’m dead. It’s this type of thinking that got me where I am. I was not in a good place, not at all. I got in my car, told some people goodbye forever and drove off to find a dead-end street with plenty of forest surrounding it. This only took me about two minutes. I backed up as far as I could, and gassed it. I still don’t remember how fast I got up to but I’m pretty sure it was at least sixty to seventy miles per hour. I remember starting to panic. I can’t do this, this is wrong I can’t. I slammed my brakes but it was too late. I knew I was going to hit the tree anyway, so I put the pedal to the floor again and accepted my fate.
What I thought was going to be the end of me turned into a horrible and traumatizing experience. My car hit the tree, the front of the car wrapped around the tree. I was not wearing a seat belt, so I flew forward into the side of my steering wheel, crushing two of my ribs and my left lung. I then flew back due to the impact of the steering wheel and slammed into the front of my seat, breaking the right side of my pelvis. I was conscious the entire time. I immediately realized I was still alive and called 911. It seemed like forever before the firefighters got to me. I can remember it like I am still there, it’s a horrible memory that will forever be in my head. I opened my door struggling to get out. Somehow none of the windows busted out, they were all still in tact. When I opened my door I saw someone looking at my car, just standing there.
“PLEASE, help me! Why are you just standing there! PLEASE HELP ME!”
She just stared at me with shock. She didn’t know what to do. The emergency brake had pinned my leg so that I could not escape. Just after I saw this woman I believe I may have blacked out. I remember the firefighter came to my rescue. He sawed the emergency break out of the car and helped me out. I was immediately taken to the nearest hospital. On my way to the hospital the only thing I remember is scissors being stabbed into my left side, followed by a tube being shoved into my lung. I felt my lung expand, it was excruciatingly painful.
The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital about 45 minutes from the location of my failed death. They had taken me to my primary hospital, and then took me to a different hospital since all the rooms were filled. The paramedic asked me if there was anyone that could be called to come over and see me.
I started crying.
“ No one cares about me.”
” Of course someone does, why would you think something like that?”
I didn’t know how to answer.
I ordered them to call my mother. She quickly left work and raced to the hospital where I was staying at. By this point they discovered I had internal bleeding and were about to remove my spleen. My mother demanded they do everything they can before resorting to removing my spleen. Needless to say my spleen stopped bleeding, and it no longer needed to be removed. The next few days are hazy, being doped up on pain killers really made me black out. About 6 days in they decided to remove my chest tube to see if my lung would stay expanded. Of course, it didn’t. They had to re-insert another tube to expand my lung again.
“It won’t be as painful as the first time.”
Well that was a lie.
The second time was so much worse. I felt everything where as before my body was full of adrenaline and in shock. I screamed and told them to please get it over with. They ended up putting the wrong size tube in and ripped it out of me, then put in the correct one. It was horrible and could not stop crying for the life of me.
Over the next 8 days I realized that my thought process was so wrong. So many friends and family members came to visit me. They were so scared for me and worried about me. This way of thinking, no one, always, nobody, everyone thinking, it was oh so wrong. It’s just not true, it’s not at all an efficient way to think. It’s how I got myself into this mess. Was I right about anything I thought? No, I wasn’t. I have so many people who love and care about me, I was so wrong, and it took me this experience to realize that.
I was then sent to a mental health unit for 2 weeks, which overall was a horrible experience, but I’ll save that story for a post of its own.
I spent a month in the hospital overall, and I am finally out. Am I glad to be alive? Safely I can say yes, I am. Realizing how much of a support group I have really made me happy. Not only that, but I have learned many coping skills in order to prevent future suicidal urges.
The first thing you want to do if you are in a situation where you feel suicidal is to breathe deep. When in a state of impulsiveness, your thought process leaves the frontal lobe and goes to the back of your head, when you breathe deep your thought process restores itself to the frontal lobe, which is where your logical thinking is done. The second thing you can do is call a support person in your life, anyone you can trust and feel comfortable talking to. If you feel you have no one you can trust, calling a hotline is very helpful. If there is absolutely no one you can talk to, writing out what you are feeling may be more helpful than you think. I like to write letters to people and never send them personally. If you read them out loud it helps even more, having it in your head is one thing, but saying it out loud makes it real. Distract yourself with things you usually enjoy doing, I love biking, video gaming, and gardening so these things really help to distract me from doing something terrible to myself. Of course they didn’t help me at the time, but that was because I did not have these coping skills then. But now I do, and I want to use them every time I feel like dying, because I know life may be hard, but it’s worth living. It took this horrible experience to realize that. Do I regret what I did? To an extent, the only reason I don’t regret it fully is because through this I learned a lot about myself and others.
I’m ready for a fresh start, I’m ready for my second chance and this is it. It may be thought but now I have the skills to prevent anything from happening next time. I can’t let this happen again, I won’t let this happen again.