Oh the wondrous joys of being able to use medication to treat the symptoms of your disorders. But the reality of it is not every disorder can be treated with medication. Borderline Personality Disorder is something I have struggled with my entire life, yet I didn’t realize it up until a few years ago.
BPD gets its name because along with this personality disorder, you have the potential to have or develop other disorders thus being “borderline”. It is not to be confused with Multiple Personality Disorder.
So I’m here to tell my experiences and how I deal with them, not list off the common symptoms of a disorder as if this were a webMD page. (In case you don’t know what BPD is here is a helpful link!)
I have always felt a sort of…weird attachment to certain people. Like not in a concerning way. Just as if I can…feel their emotions. It is as if I am experiencing not only their feelings, but mine as well. Experiencing multiple people’s emotions at once is so incredibly arduous. For me it has caused major emotional out lashes, extreme euphoria, unexpected and abrupt depression, cutting, and suicidal attempts. Of course over the years I have gotten better with coping with this hell of a disorder. But it has been difficult I will admit, and this is only one of the many symptoms I get.
I want to be social, I really do. It’s so difficult for me though. To the people that know me, that may not seem true. To the people who know me well, you know what I’m talking about. The truth is I have always struggled with social interaction because of BPD. Especially with the people I care about. If I really love you oh man, I’m so sorry you have to deal with my shit. In my past years I would tell people to fuck off, I would cut them off, call people names, I’d say all the worst things when I was mad. The worst thing is these were and are people I love and care about that I was telling to fuck off. I didn’t truly mean any of those things, I just have major trouble communicating, I can easily lose control of my emotions because they are so powerful. And no, that doesn’t excuse the way I talked to them. I just hope it helps people understand why I used to talk the way I do.
I wouldn’t say I’m clingy, but yes in a way I am. It’s as if my disorder chooses people for me to “cling” to and take on their emotions. This has been such a huge problem for me in romantic relationships especially. You’re probably thinking: Yea because you get clingy don’t you? Actually no, I stray away from them because I’m so focused on the other people I’m attached to, I want to make them happy with every fiber of my being. Don’t get me wrong I have cared about my past romantic relationships, it’s just that the emotional bond I develop with certain people is so strong that….I honestly can’t explain it. I’m at a loss for words.
In the few years I’ve known that I’ve had this disorder, it has attached me to only two people. It hurts me to say that I lost one of them as a friend recently. I honestly am still learning how to cope, this is completely new to me. I still feel as if I am very much connected to their emotions. I know it sounds crazy but, if you were in my shoes maybe you’d understand. But honestly it’s a good thing you don’t understand. I just keep wondering when I’m going to lose this connection, or if I ever will. It’s a curse and I wish I could get rid of it. Strong emotions can be scary, I feel as if at times I can’t control them, which is why I still struggle with cutting off the people I love. But from now on I am making a promise to myself not to cut them off, because we’ve been through everything together, a stupid argument isn’t worth kicking someone out of my life over.
I have an unintentional filter in my brain that I’m trying to get rid of and it’s that I only see things in black or white. I have trouble seeing the other side of the story even though I want to understand so badly. I struggle with assuming the worst. If I feel the people I’m connected to don’t see me in a positive light I think the most negative things about myself. It is not intentional it’s just something I’ve always struggled with.
If I don’t talk about a problem that’s going on with someone I’m attached to right away it festers in me. It gets worse and worse. Hour by hour minute by minute second by second it’s all that’s on my mind. I try to think about other things but it won’t leave my mind. No matter how small the argument. The argument could be about potatoes and if that argument was a serious one and left unresolved you could find me in my room crying a few hours later. I have had to admit myself to the hospital in the past because I was afraid for myself emotionally due to an argument I had with a friend, more than once. These things that seem so small to someone who doesn’t have BPD mean the world and more to someone with BPD.
I wish I could say I knew how to control this disorder. I wish I could tell you that over time I learned how to completely deal with BPD and all of its faults. So far i’m still learning. While I have come a long way from my emotional outbursts and harmful actions, I have a long journey to go on in order to tame this animal. It’s the one disorder I haven’t been able to tame. That has frightened me I’ll admit, but I know I can power through it. I mean I’ve powered through seven other disorders right? I’m confident I can beat this one too.